For your amusement – most people who buy from me are cool, there are a small proportion who are not, those few who are uncool usually come from ebay… the poundland of the internet. Their bewildering rudeness and overinflated sense of entitlement (do as I say or I will DUN DUN DUN leave you a negative feedback) gets right on my teats every once in a while… so for your amusement (and my therapeutic release) I give you…
Ebay Customer: “Hey its been 2 weeks, where is my DVD?”
Me: “Hey ****, the last interaction we had you confirmed your address and I resent you a replacement – did you not receive it. Thanks. Richie.”
Ebay Customer : “As I haven’t received one I would guess that you hadn’t sent a replacement! I can’t actually believe you have done nothing about it in 2 weeks and I am still sat here waiting. I thought you was a professional seller on here?“
This is the answer I would dearly love to send, but good sense prevails. I will probably just refund him and block him … but I should like to say:
“Dear Seeker after the hard truths of REAL secretive street fight training for deadly ninjas and navy seals.
By choosing streetfightsecrets you have already proven that you are a winner.
You have already won! Congratulations! You are fully win all of the winningness of winnington.
However:
In light of the emotional breakdown you seem to be suffering over your £2 pound dvd that has caused you to abandon both politeness and the correct use of English (“I thought you WAS a professional seller”?? come, come – there is simply NO NEED for this folly), I felt the kindest thing to do was refund you your £2 (in full) so you can buy that packet of monster munch you have had your eye on and a scratch card. The gentle motion of you scratching the card with a coin whilst chewing the delicious spicy snack (and presumably rocking like the trauma victim you are) will simultaneously distract you from the agony of this torturous event in your life’s path and soothe you ; in fact it should have you calmed right down in no time and you can put this terrible, AWFUL, upsetting business behind you once and for all.
You are the kind of shining example of strong decisive manhood that I have hoped since the formation of this enterprise in 2005 to attract. Seekers after truth. Men ready to face reality and deal with it, no matter how ugly it gets, with the steely eyes, stern jaw and husky voice of Clint Eastwood. Maybe his stubble. Perhaps a poncho. Maybe a hat or maybe not.
There is no need to be fussy when manliness is being discussed.
I’m SOOOOOOO glad you want to buy my material. It truly is an honour. Men everywhere should aspire to emulate you.
Sir, may I say, you do not need my secret ninja trickery, Nay, I say NAY, it is I who should come to YOU for training… in being simply awesome.
Under circumstances of intense emotional turmoil such as this, try to gather fortitude from the wisdom of Neitszche : “that which does not kill us, can only make us stronger.” Yes?
Ask yourself :What would Bruce Lee do when faced with the tardy arrival of a £2 DVD? Hmmm?
I am sure like warriors everywhere he would go to the mountain and meditate.
Meditate for strength, for courage.
For forgiveness.
In the sincere hope you have managed to pull your frilly pink thong out of your bottom long enough to put it on the radiator to dry out thoroughly without disturbing your carefully inserted tampon or staining your dress.
The cruel heartbreaker:
Lord Blackheart “evil cackle” Grannon
NB
It does state clearly in the item description that the material is not for bedwetting, emotionally unstable, thin skinned ladyboys, so for your safety (which is important to me, you hysterical window licker) I have blocked you from buying anything further from me on my extremely important Ebay store which is so full of delights.
Believe me doing this hurt me as much as it hurts you, but I HAD TO.
Understand: you made me do this.
Like when brown people MAKE Jack Bauer torture them for the safety of the baby Jesus. Like that.
Its just… I dont know… its silly… but…. I just feel like we both need the space right now to process whatever this is.
I cant believe its come to this I really cant. I don’t know you. You’ve never bought from me before. You’ve never trained with me.
But the way you invested 200 English pence of YOUR hard earned money for a cheap slice of my lifes work, the way you quickly abandoned manners and proper conjugation of basic verbs in an adult tantrum over NOTHING AT ALL in the face of my polite efforts to help (after all you are the ONLY customer Ive had in the last 6 months, I certainly don’t have to deal with anyone else’s orders) … I don’t know I just feel, like…. we are truly kindred spirits.
And that, in some deeper way I really owe you something.
But what’s done is done.
I’ve done… terrible things to you. Unforgivable things. I’m so, so, so sorry. If I could take it back I would. Every part of it.
I’m listening to James Blunt and I just CAN NOT STOP CRYING. I’m so sad. Eyeliner is under my chin. But that’s not your responsibility, its mine. Don’t feel bad. You take care of you. Good bye.
Good bye.
Good bye my lover…
good bye my friend….
Did I disappoint you or let you down?
Should I be feeling guilty or let the judges frown?
‘Cause I saw the end before we’d begun,
Yes I saw you were blinded and I knew I had won.
So I took what’s mine by eternal right.
Took your soul out into the night.
It may be over but it won’t stop there,
I am here for you if you’d only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.
I’ve kissed your lips and held your hand.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I’ve been addicted to you.
[x2]
Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.
Xoxoxox 4 eva
Not logged in
Comments